I Lost!

Everyone tends to have “their biggest fear”. Some people are terrified of spiders, others avoid heights…the list is endless.

Well,my biggest fear is failure. Until this point in my life, I never truly experienced failure, because my fear drove me to get good grades, excel on tests, win writing contests, and achieve as much as I possibly could.

When I started ninth grade last fall, I could not have been in a better state of mind. I was coming off of an amazing summer filled with fun and laughter and challenges and success. I was more confident and happy then I had ever been. I genuinely loved every aspect of school. I was friends with everyone, and getting good grades was extremely easy for me because I was happy and motivated. Without hesitation, I chose to run for student government and got elected as the Freshman President!

Over the course of the year, certain events occurred that, unfortunately, I allowed to deplete my confidence. Suddenly, completing small tasks became extremely difficult for me. It became harder for me to pay attention in school, and classes that used to be easy for me became more challenging. I began to feel overwhelmed and anxious. I attempted to distract myself from feeling this way by spending hours on my phone and watching Netflix. I started wanting to be by myself more because being around other people contributed to my uneasiness. I felt that when I was by myself, no one was there to judge me and I could just breathe and watch stuff and listen to music. I began to spend lunchtime by myself most days in my favorite teacher’s room to listen to music or do my homework in peace. I didn’t feel as outgoing as I was at the beginning of the year, because I felt I needed to keep to myself in order to improve my emotional well-being.

All of these overwhelming feelings almost stopped me from campaigning again for student government for this coming sophomore year. I realized that I had drifted away from friends, and I knew that I had been kind of out of it for the past few months. However, I pushed myself to run.

Last week, the week of the election, I could barely focus because I had this feeling I was going to lose. That I was going to fail. And guess what, I did. All of the candidates were great for student government, but it came down to whoever got the most votes from our fellow classmates, and I just didn’t get the votes.

Hearing the announcement, and not hearing my name called, was heartbreaking for me. My fear came true; I failed at something that I worked so hard to succeed at.

I went home that day and felt extremely upset, yet surprisingly, it felt good to allow myself to cry and to feel disappointed. Usually, when I experience negative feelings, I tend to try and mask them. However, doing this leaves me feeling unsettled and numb. This time, however, I allowed myself to feel my devastation. I allowed myself to binge-watch Netflix, and have a chill weekend with my family. And, guess what?! I’m fine now. I got the feelings out of my system, and I’m doing really well.

I also reflected on why this whole student government thing may not have worked out for me, because I believe that everything happens for a reason.

For example, this experience showed me that I would not make a great politician because I can’t just smile and pretend that everything is okay when I’m just not feeling it.

Also, I believe that there is a new opportunity that will come out of this lost one, and that I have many options of paths to success, that there’s not just one.

I see now that I didn’t lose or fail. I learned things about myself. I learned that I can survive my biggest fear. I learned that sometimes resting and chilling is necessary for me to make it through the hard parts. And I learned that losing is not necessarily failing. And that failing is not synonymous with losing. I gained so much from this experience. And, truthfully, because of everything I’ve discovered about myself from this challenge in my life, I now believe I actually won so much more than I lost.

It’s all good!

Jilly xo

“You learn more from losing than winning. You learn to keep going.”- Morgan Wooten